THE STRUGGLE

My apologies if you actually want to "catch up with the coutts".

I'll try to be better.

I get very little time now to actually sit down and write. There is so much that I want to do in the maybe 2 hours I get after putting Griffin down, like - do nothing [mindless TV watching], read, bible study, sleep, shower, clean, blog, read blogs, find new music to listen to, find new books to read. And, this is only on Wednesdays [or the occasions where the hubs is working an evening or out of town]. Because on the other nights, I want to spend time with my husband. So, this is why my writing is so sporadic, and is a jumbled mess [because there is so much on my mind to finally share!].

I feel this struggle between wanting to write about things that matter to me [topics], and just share in our journey [since many of our friends and family do not live in the same state and may actually want to read a little about our lives]. But then I come back to wanting to write about things that matter. Topics. Things that I am passionate about. I read blogs that encourage and inspire me, and I just look forward to their next post. I have a desire to be that for others. But - Is that realistic? Can I actually keep up with that? Do I have the time? Do I have the passion? Am I a good enough writer for that? Do I even have anything to say? What will people think? Welcome to my mind. That last question - That's something I really struggle with. Maybe I'll dig into that someday - that's getting pretty vulnerable on the internet though [and am I ready for that?].

So, friends, family, strangers. Thanks for putting up with my ramblings and attempts at different things. I'm going to try to keep y'all updated on our lives for now, and throw in a rambling thought / something I'm feeling passionate about in between.

Griff turns ONE in just over a week...so be ready for all kinds of posts about that [maybe. If I find the time. Ugh. Why is having a life outside of motherhood so difficult? [Another future rambling for you]].

MY CAPSULE CLOSET

I have a new obsession.

Capsule Closet.

Don't know what it is? Well let me share with you how I came to discover it.

I stand in front of my closet every morning and think I have nothing to wear. I know that I have a closet full of clothes, yet somehow, I have nothing to wear.

My body is different. I carried a life inside of me for 9 months, worked my butt off to lose the extra baby weight, and am now decently happy with my body. Yes, there's a little extra on my than before. But, I brought a life into this world and I refuse to shame my body for that. Anyways, because I carried this sweet boy in me, my body is shaped a little differently.

Before baby, I wore more fitting clothes. Not tight, but they showed off my figure a little more. Now that I've had a baby, my chest is bigger and my hips are wider. None of my shirts fit the same as they used to- just tight in all the wrong places, my jeans just were not comfortable anymore, I didn't want to wear my hand wash clothes [because, well, I have an 8 month old that spits food at me, or all over his hands then rubs them on me], and I needed to wear clothes that were easy to nurse in [since I still work full time in an office]. Hence, I have nothing to wear, was code for I hate the way my clothes look on me.

Begin the late night Pinterest-ing.

I started looking for comfy, yet cute, yet versatile clothes. The capsule closet idea kept coming up on my feed and in my searches. I decided to click on a link, which brought me to a blog where the woman literally said the same thing about her closet post-baby [I so wish I could find it and link it here for you to read]. She, then linked the blog that started the capsule closet- Unfancy. [You can also check out her FAQ page where she answers a lot of questions about it HERE. ] One of the things I read said that you should love every item in your capsule wardrobe and be excited about different ways to mix and match the items. Standing in front of your closet shouldn't be an I don't have anything to wear experience anymore. It should be quick, easy, and effortless.

Count me in!

All I could do was talk about my future capsule wardrobe to David. I'm sure he was/is so over my constant talking about it. But, let's be real. He's my best friend, and I was overly excited about this. I have a Pinterest board dedicated to my capsule wardrobe [you can view it here]. Really, it's ideas of what to include in it and for each season, and then a couple of specific pieces that I like. It was fun to get excited about this, see what styles I liked and what other people had used in theirs, and then start thinking through my clothes and what I wanted to have in my capsule wardrobe.

Begin closet clean out.

This was fun. And a little depressing. I created three piles- Love it, Like it, and Get rid of it. Something one of the blogs I read said, was to try on every piece of clothing. If you like the way it looks/fits and feel confident in it- keep it! If not, get rid of it. I did this. Unless I just knew that I was going to get rid of it. At the end, David exclaimed, "You're going to be naked!". We both laughed, and I responded, "but when is the last time you saw me wear any of those clothes?". David's response, "Point made". I ended up getting rid of my whole "like it" pile as well. [The below photo is just the clothes I am selling...the donate pile is bigger...yikes!]

Then began the planning.

I had to look at the clothes I had decided to keep and really see what my style was. I currently work in a pretty laid back office where I can wear jeans and a cute top to work [I could probably wear a t-shirt if I really wanted to, but I choose not to]. However, I am going to part-time, work from home, only go in the office once a week in a month, so I also had to consider that.

My style is- comfy, neutral clothing that is machine washable and can be dressed up and dressed down. Really descriptive huh? I'll share what's in my capsules in later posts, and maybe it will make more sense. Anyways, I wrote down what I was looking for to add to my winter and spring capsules...

[a little glimpse at the beginning of my winter capsule...so small!]

And then, the shopping.

This couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time, money wise. David and I just created a budget that we are really trying to stick to. Before this, I think he would have let me use some of the tax return money to shop with...not now. [We're Dave Ramsey style, and it's strict!]. Fortunately, we live 10 minutes from the outlet mall, and I am subscribed to my favorite store's email lists- so I get notified when sales are happening. I rarely buy something full price, which kind of goes against some of the rules others have set out for capsule closets, but that's just how I roll.

My "go-to" stores are- The LOFT, J. CREW, and Madewell. The LOFT and J.CREW both have outlet locations- which is a huge bonus for me. Madewell is where I get my jeans and couple items here and there.

I am so excited for my capsule wardrobe. I truly love every item in my winter capsule so far. I'm still on the hunt for certain pieces, but I have a list of what I want, so there will be no "oh this is cute!" purchases for me. I loved reading the blogs where they actually shared what was in their capsule wardrobe, so I'll share those as the seasons come.

EATING MY WORDS

Ha! Of course as soon as I posted my last post, Griffin's sleep went crazy.

Yes- I am now eating my words.

Griffin stopped letting us rock him. He fights it so hard. He is constantly pushing off of us, trying to jump out of our arms, or literally just screaming and flailing. So, Saturday, after a failed attempt for a morning nap, we went for a walk so that he would fall asleep in the stroller. Then, that afternoon, after David left for church, I was left with no options as I was loosing my mind, failing to rock my son to sleep.

I laid him down in his crib, covered him with his blanket, and told him I loved him [of course he's smiling at this point]. Then, I walked out of his room. Griffin. Lost. His. Mind. I came back in 5 minutes later- kissed his forehead and calmed him down [without picking him up] as best as I could. Then I left. Tears in my eyes, I texted my sweet friend Kelsey and asked how she did it and how long her son cried. As she walked me through it, I checked on Griffin once more, and then he whimpered off to sleep.

It has been 5 days, and Griff is doing pretty good with it. It breaks my heart every time I walk out of his room. I don't think it will ever stop. I have chosen to cherish the hours I have spent rocking my baby to sleep, because I knew there would be a day that he wouldn't let me do it anymore. And that day has come. It came much sooner than I expected.

I choose to go in after 5 minutes, because I want my son to know that when he is upset or screams for us, we will be there. I also want him to learn that his room and his crib are safe, and that going to sleep on his own is a good thing. As I stated in my last post, you have to do what works for you. This is now what works for us.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

I have always called Griffin my angel baby. From the day we brought him home from the hospital, this little boy has been an incredible night sleeper. We have always had to rock him to sleep, but taking 30 min to rock him was worth the hours of sleep we got after.

And then something happened. At just over 4 months old, the dreaded 4 month sleep regression came like a thief in the night. Our incredible sleeper suddenly would not sleep at night anymore. He was up every hour or two. He would fall back asleep as we rocked or I nursed him, but as soon as you laid him down, screaming ensued. David and I traded off every other wake up. I would doze off in the rocking chair and wake up and hour later, or I would find David passed out in it at 7am, holding our sweet little boy. There were some nights, that out of desperation, we would bring him into bed with us. I would nurse him to sleep [and he would actually sleep! And we got 2-3 hours much needed of consistent sleep]. Now this didn't just last a week, or a month. 

Three and a half months people! 

It. Was. Horrible. 

[Now, I know three and half months of sever sleep deprivation may seem like nothing to most new parents. But when you start out parenthood with a good sleeper, it is super rough to transition to a horrible sleeper.]

After lots of late night/early morning, and sometimes desperate daytime research, I came to the conclusion that Griffin had separation anxiety. [Yes, I Facebook, Instagram, Google and Pinterest to stay awake when I'm feeding Griffin at night. I'll have a post soon about my scrollings on Facebook coming soon]. On the random nights that he slept in our bed, he would wake up, reach out and touch me, then roll over and go back to sleep. That's how I really knew it was separation anxiety. Crying it out was just not an option for getting through that.

Now I know that there are many different opinions on this, and I am not here to debate. My opinion is whatever works for you[however you and baby get sleep at night]- do it. David and I just don't agree with cry-it-out. We can't do it. Yes, I have taken breaks when Griffin is screaming his head off and I'm home along while David is at youth. Yes, we tap out and trade. I just physically cannot listen to my son scream for that long. He works himself up and makes himself sick, and it's just not worth it to us. When he cries, we are there. And it is paying off! 

Something clicked the week Griffin turned 8 months. Suddenly, he was only waking up 1-3 times a night. A miracle. It made all of our sleepless nights, rocking and comforting our little boy, totally worth it. I have seen him [on the monitor] wake up, then roll over and go back to sleep. He wakes up [most mornings] quietly and will play for a while. He's woken up in the middle of the night, and I have patted his butt for 1 minute, and he goes back to sleep for hours [this is when he wakes up sooner than it's time to feed him. If it's been 3 hours, I will feed him. If it's sooner, it's back to sleep for the little boy]. 

Now, I'm a little nervous, because another sleep regression is set to happen at any point. And I know it's coming. This kid is almost crawling, and pretty soon he will be pulling up, sitting up from laying down, and walking. Prayers are much appreciated for our rest.

WORK STRUGGLES

5 months. That's how long it's been since I was last here. This new season of motherhood has been the most challenging [and BEST] thing that has happened to me [other than marrying the love of my life of course]. There is so much to fill you in on, that to do it all in this post would overwhelm you. So stay tuned for more updates [hopefully]. As my grand welcome back, I'm about to get really real with y'all. So if you're not down for that, just keep on scrolling.



REAL TALK. I have been struggling.



Since Griffin was 8 weeks old, I have been working full time. Now, unlike most mothers who return to an office, I am beyond blessed and get to bring my love bug to work with me. This was much easier in the beginning when Griffin slept more [I don't say all day because that never happened. I've always had a very alert, curious boy]. Now that he is 8 months old, he is requiring so much more of my attention, and he is about to become mobile. [That's right. This kid just started pushing up on his hands and knees and rocking back and forth. Mobility is coming for us.]

I feel worn down and beaten. Everything in my life gets maybe 50% of what I could give it. Griffin gets 50%. David gets 50%. My job gets 50%. I get 1% [but really]. Everything else...get in line [sorry friends!]. Although I am an overachiever, I can handle work getting 50% of me. What I cannot handle, is being a crappy wife and a crappy mom. I don't want to feel guilty for playing with my son [because I should be working]. I don't want to pass out on the couch, exhausted, too tired to talk and engage with my husband after a long day. I don't want to immediately crawl into bed after putting our son down, because I want to get as much sleep as I possibly can because I know tonight is going to be long, and tomorrow it's all going to start over. I am in an eternal state of exhaustion and completely emptied. There is nothing left of me to give. This has been my reality for the past 6 months, and it sucks.

David and I had a really good talk a couple of weeks ago. [Side note-He is seriously the best man in the entire world.] He patiently listened to me as I tearfully poured my heart out, nodding in agreement. When I finished, he agreed with everything I said, and asked me what I wanted to do. David has also had conversations with lots of parents from the church- moms, dads, both. Almost all of them said that when they had kids, mom stopped working and stayed home. They took a huge pay cut, and things were tight for awhile, but it was the absolute best decision they could have made. Mom got to be with the kids all day long, and because they didn't have a ton of extra money to do things, they spent their free time playing as a family- going to the park, playing in the backyard, cooking, playing inside.

We game planned, and, after talking with my boss, I will be going to part-time in the near future. There are some logistics at work that we need to take care of [like hiring an office lady], but I will go in the office one and half days a week, and work from home during Griffin's afternoon nap the other days [morning nap is mommy time]. David is off on Fridays, so Griffin will be with him on Fridays, and we're looking into different PDO options for a once a week half day. This new plan for the future is a huge step in me becoming a better wife, mother, and human in general, and I am so excited.

3 Month Reflection

As I reflect on the past 3 months of being a mom, I can't help but feel so humbled and so overjoyed. Being a mom is the greatest job in the whole world. I wouldn't trade it for a single thing. Griffin is just the sweetest little boy that has ever entered the world. He smiles and coo's, makes the funniest faces, sleeps like a champ, and never fails to make me smile.

Here are my reflections and thoughts on parenthood:

In preparing to become parents, David and I read Babywise. I am so glad that I read this book in preparation, because it taught me a lot of things I never would have known or done myself. For example, a feed, wake, sleep schedule. I probably would have just fed on demand and let Griffin be a wild man [which he totally is sometimes]. I really appreciate the "parent directed feeding method", because while we try to keep Griff on a schedule, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. However, I do think I had a lot of ideas that I really wanted to try, that just didn't work for us. [and you should know that I didn't push too hard for them. We tried, and if they didn't work, they didn't work. I wasn't set on doing anything. I just had an idea of what we wanted, and if it didn't work out, I was fine to move on. I think that was key. Being flexible in my parenting.] I am grateful that I read Babywise, and still reference it. Some things just don't work for us.

Some ideas I had going into parenthood vs. my reality:

Birth. I did not want to immediately hold my baby straight from the birth canal. I wanted my child cleaned off first, and then I would hold him [blood makes me queasy, and those white chunks I've always seen in movies...yuck]. As soon as I saw his face I wanted him in my arms. [no worries, no blood or white chunks that I remember...but I don't think I really cared at that point].

Nursing. I thought it would hurt so bad [it was described to me like shooting glass out of your nipples initially. It was never anywhere close to that bad for me]. Nursing did, however, basically put me to sleep the first 3 or 4 weeks. It felt like Griffin was sucking all energy out of me.

Sleep. I thought that I would have sleepless nights and would be a walking zombie. Well, I have a baby that sleeps pretty dang well and has since day 3. [those first two nights were rough because we had our days and nights switched and like to cluster feed from 1am-5am]. I am amazed at the energy that I have. I was, and still am, pretty against co-sleeping. But, there are some late nights/early mornings when your baby will only sleep on your chest. So, after trying to lay him in his crib unsuccessfully 3 times, I pick my crying child back up, crawl in bed at 4am with him and let him sleep on my chest until 6:30 when we wake up.

Rocking. I thought I would lay my baby down and he would go straight to sleep. I wouldn't rock him. We didn't buy a rocking chair because we didn't want to rock him. Well, I cuddle my sweet boy to sleep for every nap and bedtime and I love every second of it. We bought a laZboy two weeks ago so we could be more comfortable and rock if we wanted. I also thought letting a baby cry it out was no big deal. I literally cannot stand it. Maybe I will tolerate it better when he is older [he will eventually learn to be put in his crib and go to bed on his own], but for now, I will soak up those cuddles. He's not going to want to cuddle with me forever. I choose to cherish those moments. Even when he's screaming because he is so tired, I will choose joy.

Swaddle. All babies love to be swaddled. Not Griffin. This kid screamed when we did it to him, and then woke himself up trying to get out of the swaddle. At about 8 weeks old, we tried the swaddle again, and it was magical for him. He sleeps in a swaddle at night, and depending on the nap, will either nap swaddled up or not.

Bottles. I thought he would take a bottle. I thought all baby's took bottles [until our friends didn't, but we were different [ha!]]. Griffin did twice, then decided he wanted nothing to do with it and would scream bloody murder if a bottle made an appearance in his mouth. We're still working on this, and now he doesn't scream, but just chews on the bottle and lets the milk run down his face. Baby steps people.

Pacifier. I thought he would take a pacifier [to go to sleep with, or to calm him when he was fussy]. He doesn't want anything to do with that fake nipple crap. [similar to a bottle, he will chew on a pacifier, which helps calm him when he's fussy in the car seat].

Eating. After reading Babywise, I thought I would have this perfect eat, wake, sleep schedule every three hours. Griffin has eaten every two hours, and only napped for 45 minutes at a time up until today [which has been so weird! but I'm not complaining. I'll take the 3 hour eating schedule]. I did all kinds of research on this that said baby's his age should be napping 1.5 hours. Well. Guess what? My baby doesn't. I tried rocking him back to sleep a couple of times, but he was awake and happy and ready to go. So did I push this issue? No. I accepted it and moved on. I have a perfectly happy child that almost sleeps through the night and is rarely fussy.

See. I told you. Humbling.

That overjoyed feeling. Well, here's just a couple examples:

Having cooing and babbling conversations. Griffin mimicking our facial expressions and sounds. The smiles, whether it's when he hears me talking, when I come to get him out of his crib, when he poops, burps, or toots, or when he's nursing and just wants to look at me. His loud poops and toots. Cuddles. Every milestone he reaches- sitting, holding his head up, playing with toys, bringing things to his mouth [he loves to pull his blankets into his mouth]. Every single thing about this child brings me joy. Even in the hard times. I am joyful because my love for him is so deep. When he cries and screams because he is so tired but won't go to sleep, I find joy because my heart breaks for him, because I love him so much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRIFFIN

He's here, he's here, and he is absolutely perfect! That's right, we had a sweet little angel boy- Griffin Eli. He made his way into this world on Thursday, May 26th, 2016 at 1:08pm. We are so in love and absolutely love being parents. With 3 weeks under our belts now, we are starting to get into a rhythm and figure out this whole new world Griffin has brought us into. We wouldn't trade it for the world.

We went in on Wednesday evening, at 9pm, to be induced. Low and behold, there were a lot of triage patients coming in, so we had to wait for the induction. They hooked me up to the monitors anyways, just to see if I was contracting at all, and go figure, I was. Check out my throne for the evening [that bed was not comfortable at all]:

At midnight, we got the go ahead to progress my labor along. I got hooked up to the IV [through my hand], and holy moly that hurt way more than I thought it would, and the nurse put a cervix ripening pill in me. She came in an hour later and said my contractions were crazy and that they were going to try to slow them down, so we started pumping fluids in me. Well, they did not slow down. They remained 2 minutes apart for seven and a half hours. You read that right. I did not sleep from midnight to 7:30am. 

At 6:30, I asked my nurse about the possibility of getting in the bathtub to ease labor pains. She said we would need to check with my doctor first, and walked out of the room. Well, at 7:30, my doctor came in. She told me she was going to check to see how dilated I was and break my water, but asked if I wanted the epidural first. Um, yes please! 

Epidural, how I loved it. The only part that sucked about getting it was the shot they put in to numb my back. That thing burned. Once I had the epidural, I slept like a champ. David says when my doctor broke my water barely any came out. Our sweet baby was sitting so low he only let a squeak of water by.

At 10:30 I was dilated 5cm. And at 12:30, my doctor came in to check on me, and surprise! We were ready to go. She said something about me being at a plus 2. I don't know what that means. It was crazy that it was just me, David, my doctor, and one nurse. I feel like you see TV shows and movies and it's crazy crowded in the delivery room. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was so calm and exactly the way I needed it to be [even though I didn't know it at the time]. 

We did a couple practice pushes, and apparently I'm pretty good at pushing even though I have no clue what muscles were contracting. I pushed for 30 minutes and out popped our sweet little boy, purple as can be. David said once his shoulder came out, water squirted everywhere and almost got my doctor. It was so exciting and emotionally overwhelming to finally know that, not only are we really parents, but that we were officially parents to a little boy. It's crazy how quickly you fall in love with someone you don't even know yet, and how much you love them. 

Well, after all of the bliss of meeting Griffin, they turned off my epidural. I don't know why they would ever do such a horrible thing. My back hurt so so bad. Like menstrual cramps [yes I get them in my back as well as in the front] on steroids. My awesome nurse pulled some strings and got me the good drugs, as I was starting to cry from the pain. And then, as if that wasn't enough, they push on your uterus, and I got the joy of my bladder as well. I don't think I have ever been in that much pain before. Once my nurse made sure my pain was under control, we made a trip to the bathroom. That was not fun either, but apparently I couldn't leave my delivery room until I proved I could pee. It took awhile, but I proved it to them. I also proved I'm a champ at bleeding...TMI? Sorry.

When we got up to my recovery room, I thought that bed was from heaven [I quickly changed my mind the next day]. I also loved my daytime nurse up there as well. I was seriously blessed with some of the best nursing staff ever. I am still amazed at how smoothly Griffin's birth was. We have been so incredibly blessed from his conception, pregnancy, birth, and now as parents. Thank you, Lord, for our sweet baby boy and the blessings You continue to pour over us.

Well, that's how Griffin Eli came to be in this world. If you're wondering why we chose to induce before my due date, it's because that's when my doctor was on call. We looked at the schedule around my due date and chose to do it when she could be the one to deliver our baby. I absolutely love my OBGYN, and I am beyond grateful that she is the one who delivered my son. She assured me that we weren't jumping the gun in inducing before his due date [just one day I might add]. She told me that baby's are actually healthiest at 39 weeks and that it's funny that our due dates are actually at 40 weeks. We probably would have gone into the hospital that night or the next day on our own anyways.